What is love?
I don't claim to know the answer. Not too long ago, I did have many theories about it though.
Now, seven years later, I ask myself if anything has changed?
Yes, a lot has changed. My opinions have shifted from one end of a spectrum to another.
Despite that, essentially, my point remains the same.
I still don't believe in the institution of marriage.
For those who ask, what does love have to do with marriage, my point is exactly that.
What does love have to do with marriage? Why should marriage exist?
Why would love need an excuse for the weakness of man?
In an ideal world, there would be no need for marriage.
But since our world is far from that, people have unanimously agreed to have an institution of marriage.
It is the law. Some rules. Something that would bind a man to a woman. And vice versa.
Something to constantly remind him not to go astray.
Something for him to own. Something for him to possess. Something for him to vent out frustrations into.
Something from which to expect favors. Demand them maybe. Something to blame for his failures.
Something to perhaps show off about.
And free and approved sex.
If my statements sound brash, let me put it another way.
Just what could be the worst that could happen if you removed the word marriage from people's vocabulary.
It would be a free free world.
Men and women would still fall in love. Have relationships. Not strictly with one partner.
Women would get pregnant. They might have fatherless babies.
Women may not want their babies. So now who would take care of the baby?
Is there anyone responsible for them?
Sounds chaotic. But all of the above holds good even with the institution of marriage. Except perhaps for the last bit about where the parentless children belong? With marriage there are laws to decide that. Without marriage, I agree I have no answer to that question.
But the question remains. Why is marriage a solution to the problem?
Why marriage at the cost of personal freedom?
Why can't we leave it to our natural instincts? Why do we assume people will be cruel and indifferent?
Will the parentless child be better off with two parents pretending to be nice to each other?
We always have the society to fall back on in case of a default in a marriage. It would be the same even without marriage, if only all of us truly forget about marriage, there would be no prejudice against unmarried couples, unwed mothers or fathers and parentless children.
You could say I have no case against marriage and that all I claim is that marriages are unnecessary. Why should I try so hard to see a world without marriages, when the effects, I claim so myself, are going to be pretty much the same. The reason is that marriages have just become an excuse that man uses to have free unquestioned sex. He uses it to abuse, blackmail and bind people. Uses it as a weapon. Being unmarried is considered a shame and being divorced is considered a sin. There definitely IS a prejudice against unmarried men and women, parentless children. That fact is taken advantage of and marriage is being abused. And all because of the fact that marriages are considered divine and essential. That brings me to the most important question. If marriage is about rules and excuses for man's weakness, why is it considered an all holy and a lovey-dovey romantic affair? Why is it something to be proud of? 'Holy matrimony'. It should be more like 'holey matrimony'! And if I were allowed to formulate the holy vows, it would be, "I don't trust you/me to love me/you or to stay the same forever. And even if I am foolish enough to trust you, surely my parents and the society don't. Therefore I marry you. And need you to marry me. And here is a sparkling diamond ring or yellow thread to remind me that you exist just in case I forget."
9 comments:
Well... One should realize the society evolved to reach local or global points of stability wrt space and time.Of course, it is a dynamic equilibrium. One can say that given the present social variables, marriage is working out fine.
Marriage has brought in comfort and sense of security to children and a stable base for further social development.
Isolated systems of tigers or matriarchy of lions are too unstable to be used widely.
"Holey Matrimony" sounds dirty ;-)
'His rules', 'free and approved sex', 'blame on his failure', 'vent out frustrations'..
Nice to hear a female perspective. But sadly men too feel the same its 'Her rule','Husband cant charge his wife unless he is an ex-gigolo',
'forget failure husbands are blamed on everything','hysterical tantrums and venting frustration are like the favourite time pass for a women'.
Having said all that, all this happens not only in marriages but in every straight forward relationship. Marriage is more like a rule i agree, but a society
functions on a set of rules. If someone likes the way nomads lived, may be forest is the place for them. And do you think marriage is the only reason why
female species are oppressed all over the world, c'mon madam thats a whole different issue. It more sounds like your agenda to hate marriage and link world issues to marriages.
Read your other blogs as well. Keep them flowing.
well yes. i didnt realise that i had given so much out(i could still be a guy can't i?!) i do hate marriages and this post was an attempt to put arguments around that idea for certain reasons.
i didn't claim that the worlds problems will get solved if women dont get married. nor was this post meant to say that marriages are terrible only for women. and i certainly didn't say or imply that marriage is the only reason why
female species are oppressed all over the world!! :) yes i did take my dig on men. i am biased based on the little exposure that i have had. because that is the only perspective i have heard. the men i have met so far haven't complained about marriages except in jest!! it was generally meant to say that there are too many things associated with marriages when it really is just a law!!! i dont mind marrages if it were made out to be just what it was meant to be-a rule-a law-society's way of ensuring a world less chaotic(humankind in general :) ) What i say is that perhaps we haven't really looked at other options so thoroughly!! My problem is that it has become a social obligation where there is no question of CHOICE!
As I was traversing through various blogs, I landed here from a completely random path. Now, neither do I know you nor I have any vengeance. You may take this comment with a pinch of salt but I recommend you give it a consideration for what its worth.
With all due respect, reading the above post, first, I believe your understanding of the term "marriage" is very immature. It is either assumed or understood based on a small sample set. Marriage is not just "an yellow rope"/"diamond ring" as referenced repeatedly in your post. Nor is it just a license for free and approved sex. Let me explain this with your example. In a world where there is no marriage in the dictionary, people have random sex, they associate arbitrarily, break up easily. Now, in the long run, what will slowly be eroded in this process is the real meaning of "true love". That being said, marriage is not necessarily a binder for love. If there is something so pure in this, it is just the love. The institution of marriage is adopted to emphasize the important value of it. Without this norm, I can state confidently that, the society will reach a place where men are programmed grilling machines and women are child bearing machines without any emotions. We are humans, not dogs, right? Where will you draw a line without this tradition?
Lets get to what prompted me to write this comment. Yessss, it is very clearly apparent that you are surrounded by men with little or that’s another preconceived notion of yours. What world are you in?. Where men are wife-beaters, drunkards, chauvinists. Who come home to screw their wives and sleep off flat on their spines. Well, these men do not exist even in pictures, now-a-days. And men who need a license for free sex. Ha, it costs $40 here, which many for your defined "men" can easily and happily afford when it also gives the option of variety every day. Do you see where I am going?. Is your world so dark.
I have to remind you, with my humble words, not to frame opinions from prejudiced and flawed assumptions. If your eyes are closed, does it mean the world is dark?. Open your eyes honey!!
- I dont know you, but still I prefer anonymity.
I am sorry Sabarish, I had to delete your comment. It had my name in it and I have been intending to remain under the handle "dispassionate_observer" for sometime now. So much for my bravery eh? ;) Anyway since it had some pleasant positively judgmental words (for a change ;) ), I am pasting it below assuming you have permitted this.
Sabarish Chandrasekharan said... Holy Cow!! this blog has become a pot boiler now..nice that there is an open forum or kinda discussion going on here. Anonymous blogging/commenting is fun aint it Mr.Anonymous (its an obvious 'Mr' from the tone :) ). Anyway name_placeholder i guess its very brave of you to shadow in your thoughts into the blog and still be frank abt it, hats off. now that you have heard the views from the other shore. I would like to see how confused you are now! Keep going
January 28, 2009 2:06 AM
@anonymous: I have been extremely tempted to reply to your post. Just that it is so mixed with personal judgments amidst valid points that, if I enter into an argument, I will end up mixing up the two myself, lashing out in my defense and as a result be unsure about what I am really arguing for! So I will take a while and maybe put up another post in reply. If you were wondering about what I mean by judgments, here is a list.
1. "Yessss, it is very clearly apparent that you are surrounded by men with little or that’s another preconceived notion of yours. What world are you in?. "
Oh I see!!! so clearly apparent eh ;)
2. "Is your world so dark. "
Poor me. You won't be surprised that I so want to lash out with judgments too!
3. "It is either assumed or understood based on a small sample set. "
I agree, I was looking at one side of the story. But isn't your sample set skewed as well? Is the entire population living out the emotion of love so prettily like you mentioned? Ever had a look at or asked a few maid servants around hour home if in India?
no problemo!! i am even more happier with 'name_placeholder' this suits you :)
and the las comment made you happy i am glad...
Man, this post is getting comments even after 2 years.
The comment by Mr?.Anon is one of the best and truer ones that I've read.
When there are good guys like me around, I have no idea what made you type a post like this. Maybe it's your youth... There are still men in this world who will give thier lives for the sake of trust, truth and loyalty, and maybe even just for the sake of "true love" for a nice warm girl like you.
Now that you are in line yourself, has your perception changed since the last 2 years?
Now, I may sound-off like a smart-ass, but that's my personality. I don't want to act differently just to enhance my image in front of a girl and try to fool her. I am WYSIWYG.
Ok. Time to log-off. I have spent close to an hour on your blog and comments. Bye Bye and have a nice long weekend.
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